From Somalia to Minnesota:
A strong woman's journey.
By Khadra Abdille
I was born in somalia, May 1990. It was when the civil war broke out there and it was because of this tribal conflict which caused my parents to divorce. After this my mother took me to Somaliland, in Northern Somalia which is a self declared independent state. Recognized as an autonomous state by the international community of nations. My father stayed in his home town in southern Somalia.
When Northern Somalia declared their independence from the rest of the country, this is when my mother took me to her home town of Somaliland, in Northern Somalia. After this she decided to go abroad because she wanted the ability to support me and her family. First moving to Yemen, where she worked for over ten years. During this time, I lost contact with my father who was living in is home town because I was a child and my mom who would keep my father and I in touch left me.
My mother left me with my grandmother who raised me in nomad for part of my life. There I lived with my grandmother, cousins, uncles and aunt. I helped to raise our animals during this time. At this time I didn't know about Islam, all I knew was what my family used to do. They prayed 5 times a day, they fasted during Ramadan, they paid Zakat/Charity from what I remember they never went to Hajj. No one in my family taught me about Islam or anything else. All I knew was life in Nomad. The five pillars of Islam I learned by my own ears. Listening to what people said and talked about around the five pillars. Even though I learned this much, I never prayed, fasted or done anything else, but took care of the family animals which I enjoyed most about my life in nomad. We had goats, sheep and camels these animals where my friends and I enjoyed very much the time I spent with them. I also never learned the Quran during this time. The only chapters I learned at this age where Surat Al-Fatihah, An-Nas, Al-Falaq and Al-ikhlas. I learned them from my Grandmother, which she used to read during prayer. These were the only ones she knew in the rest of the Quran.
Around 2001 we moved to a new town where I was given the opportunity to attend Madrasa, this is Islamic school where I learned the Quran, Arabic, Hadeth and Dua. The learning was very good and fast, I was able to learn the first five Juz and wanted to continue learning the rest of the Quran. My peers and I where racing. We were in the same chapters, at this time I was also attending a private school where I was learning math and very hard english. I was so happy at this time in my life at the two schools I was attending. In 2004 a drastic change happened, I lost my hearing. I can't now imagine how my hearing loss happened, it is almost like a dream, how I lost my hearing that is.
How it started was, I got serious pain on the bottom of my feet. The pain only occurred at night while I slept making it hard to get a good nights sleep. It would continue until Fajr prayer when I woke up, they felt normal then. I would feel fine all day, then night would come and I become very sick. I told my Grandmother, but she didn't take me to see a doctor. I didn't know what was happening. The pain was not only on the bottom of my feet, the pain went from my knees to the bottom of my feet and in the bones themselves. It felt as if my marrow in my bones where melting, as if there was very hot irons on the bottom of my feet which made to the bone marrow hot and flowing, like flowing water. Similar to when you light a candle and the wax melts as the candle burns. That is what my feet felt like. I would scream and scratch my feet a long time at night. I scratched my feet, applied oil to them and other remedies but nothing helped. This lasted for a month then my feet went back to normal.
How ever I was not in the clear, little later later I lost my appetite, all food smelled so horrible. I would normally run outside to vomit when there was food in the home, all I could handle was water and orange juice. This was not like my feet, being sick only at night time. This was day and night, I had also not gone to school or anywhere for weeks, I had not even eaten food. I still haven't went to see the doctor. Again my grandmother did not take me, reason being that she was nomadic and not interested in going to the hospital, also she had no money to take me. I don't blame her but this whole time she never reported this to my mother, who would help me. She did nothing but watched me suffer. Alhamdulillah, I got my appetite back a few weeks later. I had to eat a lot to get better, I also was then able to go back to the schools I was attending.
It wasn't over though for me, the last thing which happened and took my hearing. It was like the previous pain in my feet. It happened during the bed time hours and stopped in the morning when I woke. It was when I sleep I got tinnitus, ringing of the ears which hurt a lot. It was about all the sounds I heard when I was in nomad and in the town such as animals, birds, cars, the phone ringing and so many other things. Every night when I got tinnitus my hearing loses little by little and the next morning would be less then the day before. A week had passed and on the final morning I woke up I found out I was not a hearing person anymore. I couldn't hear anything, anything at all. I had informed my grandmother the first night I got tinnitus, she didn't say anything about it yet she knew. When I lost my hearing I was very sad. I didn't know, what could I do. So I quit school and hid myself away from the world at home. I didn't want my friends to see me like this. It was because just yesterday we where studying together, chatting together, laughing together and helping each other but no one knew what happened, that I am deaf now. Everyone yelled at me. Saying why don't you answer or talk with us.
Later on I was Diagnosed with Auditory Neuropathy, it is a form of hearing loss, in laymen's terms means my outer ear, middle ear, and inner ear are working properly but the nerves that carry sound from the inner ear to the brain are not working. I can hear all types of sounds louder and faster then most people I have difficulty understanding or knowing what the sound is. Doctors have not found cures or even know what cause's it.
How Could I quit my school, All I was doing was hiding in the back yard during school hours because my grandmother was forcing me to go to school. She didn't want me to quit. I remember the last day I attended Madrasa, I was studying with adult ladies. We don't see our teacher, not when we were in madrasa because in Islam men and women are seperate. Even at masjid there are barriers set up. The madrasa was one room seperating us and the teacher. When the teacher wanted us to read Quran he called out our name I remember that day he called out my name, I couldn't hear him, he called out again with no reply. Asking the other students, is she not here?
They told him she is here, A women asked why do you ignore the teacher, He called you so go ahead and read The Quran. I was so upset at this, I was so upset that I could not hear him, or anything for that matter.
No one in this class though knew so I went and hide in the back yard at home. I did it a couple of days until my grandmother found out, I had stopped attending school, She approached and asked me in anger! Why did you not attend school? I am paying a school and your not attending why are you wasting my money and your time? I told her, I can't hear when he calls my name and I can't hear when he asks me anything. Everything around me I didn't hear. I didn't know about being deaf. I refused to attend school and stayed at home.
Every few months, I did miss my education because I loved it and I went back again. Nothing improved though, I quit again and again. People were not at all nice, some of them made fun of me, some of them ignored when I asked something. Some of them looked at me and laughed. Some talked in front of me about myself, knowing I would not hear them and what they are saying about me. Some looked the other way when talking with me so I would not be able to see their mouth if I could lip read. Some of them would discriminate against me, they said you're a beautiful young woman but you don't have a future because those rich, educated, handsome and even smart men wont marry you. Only those who would marry you, already have wives, old and /or poor men because they can't afford hearing wives type men, or men like you who are disabled.
All of these things, they hurt me. Many time I thought of committing suicide, my bright life I felt went dark. I once decided to go through with it, due to my grandmother forcing me to do everything and not ever taking me to a doctor. I wanted to burn my self, how ever there was no gas in my home. I went to my neighbor's house asking her if they may have some gas, saying I need some to make a fire to prepare lunch. She knew I was lying though, she could see it on my face and felt it as well. She gave me two choices, refusing to just give me the gas. First that she could give me a few charcoals from her fire to start a new one at my home or I'll go with you, taking full care of the gas. I said forget it and left her alone, I couldn't find gas anywhere, I gave up and decided against it. People where telling me not to do it.
My grand mother once brought me to cultural healing center, they were Islamic healing center. What they used to heal was magic, witchcraft, the evil eye, jinn and more. We kept going for a month and a half. My grandmother and the sheik to see if anything would show up. I would be taken by my grandmother to the exam room for examination, one day though the sheikh called me and another girl who happened to be his sister in-law's daughter telling us to go the the exam room. After which he joined us. during examining us both he handed us each a water hose, used it for the Quran. He told us to put it up to our ears. He then began reading verses, moment after which he pulled my fingers down. I was hurt badly by this, I tried to endure the pain until I could not endure anymore. He continued with each finger except my thumbs. I suffered with the pain but when I could not anymore I decided to pretend that I was infected by Jinn. He started asking many questions about the infection, I wasn't sure how to answer so I lied. He really knew I wasn't infected, he could see that I was crying and that the tears were truly dropping from my eyes, those who are infected tears don't drop, their eyes are free from tears. In the mean time he started committing a sexual offense. I was lying down at this point in order to help reduce the pain in my fingers, he continued pulling on my fingers when he started the offense. At this time he put my left hand under his knee, he was sitting in front of me and continued to pull the fingers on my right hand. He then continued to put his other hand on my breast, I was so scared, scared of if I had brought here for rape. I was scared of what if he send the other girl out and lock the door because no one will come to help me, they all think I'm infected by a Jinn, so if I yell they would think I was not a real person. I was scared of if he wanted to do anything else, I didn't know what he wanted. After this I pulled my hand under his knee. He was sitting, while pulling fingers on my right hand still. Then I pulled his hand from my breast, a minute later he did it again. I was really scared at this point so I got up and sat down. I told him I'm fine and not infected and his healing was not needed. He stood up and left from the exam room immediately. He told the other girl to go to the women's room, it was a horrible day for me.
Soon we were allowed to go home, at this point I couldn't carry my long hijab. All eight of my fingers were not working properly, I asked a woman please roll up my hijab and put it on my shoulder. When I came home I noticed the sheikh was there talking with grandmother. He went to my home before me, he didn't want my grandmother knowing what he did to me. He told her the lies I told him, grandmother appreciated what he told her and she hoped that my hearing would return after the Jinn leave. When I arrived, she said come on, she wanted the sheikh to prove it and examine me again. I didn't want this to happen anymore, so I ran, ran away from there. I did this because if it happen again my fingers would damage . He left after I ran away, I decided not to return there the next morning. My grandmother wanted me to go back, because she believed what he told her, she believed the jinn was pulling me away from the shifa/the cultural healing. She was scaring me, she was saying she would find few men who would carry me to shifa and she'll lock me inside the shifa building and never let me out of the cultural healing building until what infected me goes away and my hearing back normal. I didn't tell anyone what the sheikh did because everyone knew him and they said he is the best sheikh in the town, so if I told anyone half of the people would not believe me. Some of them would but I preferred not to tell anyone about it. He also recently got married to a neighbor girl and I didn't want the rumors to spread.
A year elapsed when my grandmother asked me if I wanted to go back to the cultural healing center, I told her no. She replied, he examined you why are you scared? I told her what he did, she believed me, she replied he almost raped you.
I became very depressed with everything, everywhere and with everyone. We had no deaf schools and no human rights, the disabled were oppressed. One day my Grandmothers cousin visited us. She had heard about me but did see me, she asked my Grandmother why are you watching this girl. Take her to see doctors! My Grandmother said, I don't know where I can take her please help me if you know a good doctor in this town. After this I was brought to a few doctors in the town, as well in other towns. All of them said the same thing, go abroad, they didn't have hearing aids or implants.
In 2005 my uncle took me to Ethiopia to see a doctor. The Doctor told us the same thing every doctor in somalia told us. My mother had an idea, she wanted to bring me to the U.S. and take me to the doctors. So she told me I will plan to get a visa, so go back to somalia. We went back to Somalia and waited for my mother. I was feeling better about what my mother said, because I thought I'll get my hearing back with out devices. I went to Ethiopia again for the embassy and got my visa. I came to the U.S. in 2008 and right away, my mother took me to see the doctor and I got hearing aids. They didn't help my hearing it made worse. I threw them away, after which she took me to the doctor again and this time we talked about surgery. They said nobody knows if you'll be better or worse. We try you best for you, I asking more about Cochlear implants(CI). That is what they wanted me to have, it didn't sound good to me. I decided no surgery. I canceled the surgery and CI. After this I went to school, where I learned American Sign Language to communicate and english. Now I don't feel oppressed or disrespected here in the U.S. But the people from my own country still do it, it doesn't stop me from doing things I went to high school in two years and now go to adult education. I also work at the YWCA, there I take care of children. I am currently working on a book about my life in the past, current situation and future goals.
People from my country believe Allah can do anything but they never show respect to those with disabilities, I don't understand why. When you tell them you're a deaf person, they will say Allah made you a deaf person and he can make you a hearing person too, but yet they call you names, laugh at you or back bite you. What they told me bothered me. They said I'll not have a good future. Those men from my country they played me like a toy so I gave up finding or waiting for them. Instead I fell in love with a Polish American man, we met online little after he reverted to Islam. He is a hearing person but he is willing to learn sign language and Deaf culture, he is a very hard working and a motivated man he has learned a lot of sign language since we met. Before I was struggling to teach somali men sign language because they are not interested in it and my goal was to marry a man who knows or at least wants to learn it. Now we are engaged and we are working on our wedding. I'm glad with how my life has changed at this time, I don't need to hear again. If Allah gives me my hearing back then Alhamdulillah, but I'm not going to have surgery for my hearing or take hearing aids. I learned American Sign Language and my fiance learned it too we are happy with our communication. I also speak my native language, I read and write both english and somali. I am happy because I can communicate with both somali and non somali people. Well somali people don't communicate with me well because they, they keep talking thinking I'm good at lip reading or good at universal sign language or homemade gestures I don't know any of these I prefer writing, but somali people aren't interested in writing because they are still oppressing me, in my home country and abroad. This make's me very sad when I can't communicate with my own people but I can communicate very well with other people, this made me apart from my own family, my country and my people because I feel happy without them. In my family no one wants to learn ASL, everyone talks around me. My mother and step father write to me in my native language. My siblings are kids and refuse to learn ASL because they are not paying attention that which I try to teach them, I have even brought them ASL classes to teach them. They play around and I got tired of them.
In America I have not wen to Islamic schools but I go to Jummah When there is an interpreter. I am also a member of a non-profit organization called Global Deaf Muslims(GDM) that works with deaf muslims in world wide, and provides interpreters at masjid. During Jummah, Islamic lectures, teaching deaf muslims about Islam and provides access. We thank the (GDM) founders and workers for their efforts and concern. Without them deaf Muslims couldn't have the access at masjid and Islamic schooling for the deaf.
Right now I'm looking forward to going to college to improve myself and one day become a mother, In Shaa Allah.
