What We Look For

By Medina Yasmine

Bismillah ir Rahman ir Raheem.

When it comes to seeking the right kind of mate for marriage, one must take more into account than just the outer superficial qualities that one may possess. It must be taken into consideration of how this potential mate may fair in all circumstances. We need to stop allowing this duniyah to effect or alter our views in how we go about choosing our life partner.

A majority of young men look for a certain shape and size of woman, a certain skin color, a certain hair type, etc.... They look for something that looks good on their arm, and then everything else will be assumed to fall into place. But then they may eventually find themselves becoming bored if little to nothing is of common interests for them, and it's soon realized that "Looks can only hold ones attention for so long." This is the wrong way of going about seeking a spouse and  further partly results to high divorce rates. 

A majority of young women also pay attention to looks, but they're more concerned about financial support. "Is this guy capable of supporting me and my desire to live a comfortable lifestyle? Are they educated enough? Are they romantic and do they tell me what I want to hear?" Women fall too easily because they fall in love through their ears. And some, if not MOST men know this, which is why some men work so hard to always get their "talk swag" on point. They know all they have to do is tell a woman how beautiful she is, and how incredible of a wife she would be for him, and he knows he's found his way to unlocking the code phrase to getting what he wants by using the password: " I LOVE YOU!" This is part of what goes into the whole process of "Lust at first sight." This is how people become confused with the meaning of love. But little do they know it's all superficial. This is part of that "do first, think later" syndrome, also known as IMPATIENCE. We desire so much to be with someone who we feel can complete us. Who will encourage us at our weak moments, yet it always seems to just be about us.... We want this, and we want that. " I want a wife who will support and respect me." I want a husband who will love and care about me." ME ME ME ME ME!!!

What happened to YOU being that person for someone else? This is the reason why people continue to have issues with finding the right person, as well as the reason why divorce rates continue to be on the rise...because we're so caught up in fulfilling our own needs and desires first. We're selfish in our ways and our decisions. We begin to live ego driven lives, although some may deny this. However, you would be surprised as to how many times one may display these ways without really knowing their doing it. Even showing a lack of patience with others is selfish in itself. May Allah swt protect us from our own demons and the whispers of shaytaan. Ameen.

It all comes down to our preferences when looking for a potential spouse. It's in remembering what the Prophet Muhammad (saws) reminded us of what to pay attention to and what characteristics need to be placed before others.

Many people find it hard to decide on what exactly to look for when choosing a spouse. What may seem obvious to some can sometimes prove to be quite difficult for others when making such an important decision that will ultimately effect the rest of their lives and most importantly shape which destination lies ahead whether it be Jannah, or Jahannem. 

Most recently a list of qualities and traits that comprise of what equates to the "Ideal Husband" had been viewed and shared a number of times via Facebook.
The following list was provided via the "Sister's page" on Facebook.

5 Types Of Men Who Make Great Husbands
1. The Provider
He puts family first, always. He can’t rest until he knows the ones he loves are okay. “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because of what Allah has preferred one with over the other and because of what they spend to support them from their wealth.”
[Sûrah an-Nisâ’: 34]

-Sisters, please do not confuse the idea of "Provider" with "He must take care of me and ALL MY NEEDS AND WANTS. NO!!! He does have to take care of you and the family, however, this does not include fulfilling all the items on your wish lists of materialistic things that take away from your family as a whole. It's alright to seek out a spouse that will be able to provide for your household. There is NOTHING WRONG with that...However, DO NOT LET THAT BE THE DECIDING FACTOR. Understand that he doesn't need to make much money or have much education to make you happy. As long as ALLAH (swt) is his FIRST PRIORITY, trust that true happiness will always be there. Allah swt is the BEST of providers for HIS believers, and as long as your man strives to please HIM even through the setbacks and downfalls, you don't have to worry about how much money he makes. 

Also keep in mind, if you're dead set on marrying the doctor, lawyer, or politician, you've already proved a lack of focus. You've lost focus of where your priorities truly lie, which are to please your Creator and to strive in making it back to HIM. When that husband of yours with the degree or social status that you desires becomes too busy for you, this opens your attention to anyone willing to give it. And ultimately you leave yourself wide open for Shaytaan's whispers to sneak in, leaving you vulnerable to committing sins. DON'T LOSE YOUR FOCUS! 

2. The Rock
At your weakest moments, his strength keeps you stable and inspires you to push through. He’s the kind of man who never misses your call when he knows you need to discuss something important, or better, just a friend to be there for you. 

- This is something we always tend to desire within our mates. A companion, buddy, and emotional supporter when needed. However, we also need to understand that he's not going to be available at our beck and call. Understand that as human beings, we all have our moments where we need someone who can support us, but also we need to be that support for them. There will be times where both sides may need support and comfort all at the same time, however, when you aren't able to provide that for yourself, how can you expect to be that support for someone else? Self care needs to be something that takes place as well. You cannot just rely solely on your companion all the time. As T.D. Jakes says, "Some people are 10 gallon sized" in regards to the love and the emotions they give, and others are "Pint sized." When you have the potential to express a great amount of love and compassion for others, you sometimes seek that as reciprocity......in return for your show of love. However, it needs to be understood that not everyone has the potential to express that same amount of love. They just aren't capable of it and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just how they are as individuals, and that must be mutually respected and understood. But it's up to the other to be emotionally wise enough not to place more burden on the "pint sized" lover's shoulders. Yes, everyone has the potential to grow and learn, however, you cannot fit a circle shaped block into the triangular slot. Understand that Allah swt creates people to the way HE sees fit, and it's up to us to tie our camels and trust in HIM that HE knows while we know not. 

3. The Critical Thinker
There isn’t a problem, big or small, that he isn’t itching to solve. He is patient, because he has to be — rushing things is rarely the answer and he knows this.

-Now in regards to #3, we all know that this is ideal for ANYONE! Although these traits have the potential to exist sometimes, however, understand that it isn't going to exist all the time. There will be moments of shutting down....but that's where the learned patience comes in. Rushing things has been apart of our make up since time began. We are an impatient creation, but what disciplines that impatience is TRUST and FAITH in ALLAH (SWT).

4. The Believer
He’s God-fearing and he’s proud of his strong beliefs. He thinks positively. He’s a fighter, and he will fight with you and for your marriage. He won’t give up, even when you do. He has most likely chosen a career he loves over one that pays all the bills. Therefore he’s just as passionate about his work as is about his family!

-The believer is someone we ALL strive to be, however more so in strengthening our bond with our Creator in all aspects of life, but one must never be proud, however stay humble in their beliefs. So although they feel they are doing everything right, they still are humbled in knowing that at anytime Allah swt could provide them with a test that may ultimately show the potential of turning their hearts. It's in knowing and understanding that at anytime, we could leave ourselves vulnerable to shaytaan's whispers to make us weak and respond to his advances. Remembering this is what keeps a believer always on their toes and 'hearts in sujood' for fear of disappointing their Creator in anyway. 

5. The Free Spirit 
Spending time with this man never gets old. With him, there’s never a dull moment at home, he tries to keep life exciting. Spending the rest of your life with the same person, doing many of the same things, can be as boring or as exciting as you make it. Marrying this man ensures that one pitfall your marriage won’t ever fall into is that of pure and utter boredom. It sounds simple, but it’s so important.

-Now we all should expect to become tired, bored or annoyed with our spouses at some point or another. I think all too often we read things like this and it makes us excited for marriage, but then when we marry, it's nothing like what we had initially expected. We assumed happy times all the time, and even when we reminded ourselves that "it isn't possible," we still didn't prepare ourselves for what really was to come. We allowed ourselves to become caught up and lost in "FACEBOOK" posts and stories and were making the marriage the ends...not the means. This is why it is so important to take the time out and actually look for a suitable potential life partner. Nowadays people enter marriage "Wanting" it to last forever, however in the back of their minds they also know there is an easy way out called "divorce." It's almost as though they marry with the intent of possibly divorcing someday although "Allah (swt) looks down on divorce."

After viewing these characteristics, I formed a counter list of traits for guys to utilize as a cheat sheet when looking for a potential wife. These descriptions of what makes an ideal wife, best describes what women have come to learn about the traits some men tend to seek, as well as what has also attributed to building a successful marriage.

7 Types of Women Who Make Great Wives

1.) The Believer:
 She is God-fearing and shares your same beliefs and values, as she is the first teacher for your children. She puts God first in everything she does and teaches your children to do the same through example. She helps you in praising and obeying Allah (swt) by being a reminder for you when you may feel stagnant or low in Imaan.

2.) The Nurturer:

She puts the needs of the family before her own. She provides comfort, ease, and calm in a world of chaos. She establishes the house that you provide and makes it a home, your sanctuary from the world. She tries her best to maintain the peace and tranquility within your home and protects that environment to the best of her abilities. She understands that there aren't going to be happy times all the time, and she makes sure to provide you with your space when needed without over-reacting. 

3.) The Supporter:

 She's your cheerleader and your biggest fan. She's your Rock and she encourages you when times get hard and when you're struggling to keep your game face on even though you're breaking down on the inside, she is patient with you and feels your pain and anguish without making you aware of her knowledge. She's the fellow soldier who fights duniyah related battles with you, right by your side. She dusts off your shield when it's battle time and she dusts off your Qur'an when the battles become too overwhelming to keep count.

4.) The Positive Thinker:

She doesn't always think negative nor is she pessimistic about everything. She is driven, determined and although she may show the heart that she wears on her sleeve at times, she always makes sure to correct her mistakes if any are had. She tries to make the best of all situations even if the outcome doesn't appear to be the best at the time. And instead of "nagging," she provides suggestions respectfully always trying to keep in mind that it's the "delivery" and "tone of voice" that shape outcomes.

5.) The Dependable:

She is reliable and faithful as well as respectful and understands the dynamics for the nature of their marriage. She lowers her gaze at all times and dismisses all advances. Her husband is her best friend, lover, and confidant, and she does her best to remind him of how important he is to her every moment she's able.

6.) The Fun-Lover:

She knows when to be serious just as much as she knows when to make you crack a smile. She enjoys changing things up every now and then in all aspects of your marriage union. She loves to laugh and is not afraid to let out a good cry every now and then. She's always looking for new ways to surprise you and show her love for you.

7.) The Wise:

She's even more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside but she always takes care of her  physical and mental as well as spiritual health for the sake of Allah swt. She's kind-hearted and wants the best for others. She treats others the way she wishes to be treated and she strives to please her Creator FIRST and FOREMOST in all Duniyah related affairs.

This list is just the tip of the iceberg for the many things that one may want to take into account when seeking out a potential mate for marriage. Although it primarily applies to men, however, there are some takeaways for women as well. However, the most important thing one must always take into account first and foremost is if they are truly God-Fearing. It's one thing to say, "I believe," but it's another to exemplify that. People always try to bring it back to the ever so popular excuse, "it's between me and my Creator," and that's correct. Only Allah swt knows what lies within the hearts of HIS creation. However, when it comes to deciding if someone is fit enough to be a potential partner, you can tell if the person practices what they preach through the way they convey themselves to the world as well as the company they choose to be apart of. 

Not everyone will agree with the list provided. However, please note that this list is what some women have come to learn in regards to the preferences and traits that some men tend to seek in their potential spouses. Physical attraction was left out on purpose, however understand that it's completely fine for a brother to go for beauty or to have a desire to be attracted to his potential wife. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Even in Hadith, the Prophet Muhammad (saws) says: "A women is married for four reasons: for her wealth, for her fame, for her beauty and for her (adherence to) religion. So marry one for her religion and you will win”[Bukbari & Muslim] and, “Four are causes of happiness,: A good wife, a big house, a good neighbor and a good way of transportation” [Al-Hakim].

Although it's completely acceptable to make sure that you find your spouse attractive, it's even more important to make sure that she is a true believer in the Almighty. Understand that with her not being of this Deen, it will serve no purpose to you in your journey of striving towards the Jannah Firdous. 

This is especially important for Sisters to understand. Marrying a God-Fearing man ensures the rich futures for your children. When we seek a spouse, but leave our future out of the equation, that's when we run into many problems. It's important that when making such a decision, that ALL areas from Imaan, to desired family dynamics are to be considered.